Congratulations. You can read.

I've never inserted any mammal nor felt the need. If you inserted anything in your body what would it be? Would it lead to complaints from your Nanny?

I hope this rambling isn't taken over by Pyrates (that's Pirates in Modern English)

Tony Blair
I'd like to colour him in.

b
Is the man from head (IT'S A BAND!) and a very nice chap. He is kind and talented and he makes me laugh. He's asked me to ramble on this page, to impart my magic word (which is Furrrr by the way) and generally try to be jolly. I've no idea what to write and nor have you, Ha Ha. That's Furrr like a cat ('Watch out for Pyrates my lad and any film by Jerry Bruckheimer, when you're sober). I was brought up by cats or was it alcoholics? I'm always getting them mixed up and giving my parents saucers of brandy.

Where was I? O? yes I was sitting at my Silver G4 Powerbook ,so sexy [INSERT A JOKE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY BEING THE NEW SEX]. I've taken to listening to Green Day:

'No body likes you/Everyone left you/they're all out without you/having fun.'

Which is complete pink pong as you're inside, on your comfy chair, having fun on your own. STOP THAT!

If I ever hear you having such thoughts again I will be round your place singing the WOOF, WOOF, MEOW song (I'll have to talk to the chaps in the band so we can feature it as a hidden track on their next release).

I recently used this to cheer up Prince Harry.

SCENE 1. INTERIOR DAY

FADE UP ON LARGE GUARDSMAN
HOLDING A RALLY IN HIS FRONT ROOM

ENTER JIM

JIM:
Now Harry WOOF...where is he?

LARGE GUARDSMAN:
Popped out. Something about Poland and visiting relatives in Bavaria.

JIM:
Bugger. I was going to sing him the...

LARGE GUARDSMAN DROPS HIS TENNIS RACKET

END OF BLIP


Last week as part of my working life I attended an IT in education show called BETT. It was fun working with some nice furry people and meeting lots of teachers. I got to thinking of being educated and having the ability to read and...

SCENE 2. INTERIOR NIGHT

F/X: SMASHING INTERNET SOUND AND CRIES OF A PYRATE BOARDING AN HTML PAGE

GRANITE:
Here it be Captain! Tis' TREASURE!

CAPTAIN NICE:
Granite how many times must I tell you to use "It is."

GRANITE:
Aye Aye Captain Tis' IT IS!

CAPTAIN NICE:
Granite there is a fine line between clever and insanity.

WOODY:
Aye Captain. Have you ever met Ben Elton?

We'll just ignore this interruption and continue with my musing on people you meet at IT shows, including the bearded chap who wore socks with his sandals and was missing an arm? Hang on I have to pause and look at this character.

WOODY:
What are you looking at?

I don't know. Give me a clue.

WOODY:
Just because I've got peg hands, peg legs and a peg nose.

And you're called Woody. Now I remember. I wrote you.

WOODY:
It doesn't mean you own me. So you're a writer. What do you write then?

Words mainly. I used to write parrots but they kept flying off the page.

CAPTAIN NICE:
Men it's time to get back to the boats, we've treasure to find and a Volvo that's double parked.

F/X: SOUND OF PYRATES LEAVING HTML PAGE IN DISARRAY

END OF BLIP

I'm sorry about the interruption. I will of course get back to my story. Where was I? O? yes I was sitting at my Silver G4 Powerbook ,so sexy [INSERT A JOKE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY BEING THE NEW SEX].

Sorry seemed to have hit a looping "where was I?" statement. I think I'll call it quits and get back to this writing lark when I have more sanity.

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My Next Ramble
Will include the wisdom of babies, including an appearance my Professor Fin, a baby brought up on the films of Humphrey Bogard and Gerald Depardieu. I will also be seeking an end to world evil and discussing why everyone should have a band like head inserted in their living space.

And
Just what is DreamDrill? And why you should batter anyone (not too much flour and only a pinch of salt) that uses the phrase "snail mail."

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Shameful Plug
If you know anyone in need of any comedy writing and especially if they need a partially read sit com, let me know. Have a look at a list of work @
http://www.writewords.org.uk/jim_kinloch/

I thank you for your attention and I ask not a single purrr in return?

Jim Kinloch
Comedy Writer
Insertable since 1989

Note to Jim

a) Must find some jokes about technology and sex.
b) Of course those that can't read might be offended by the opening line.
c) Those that can read may be offended by every word.
d) Those that can read but choose to do it elsewhere will of course never see the next word. 'tummy'